I constantly think of N, which may not necessarily be missing, but more like a habit developed over more than 20 years of life, like a ferry on a calm river, or more like a lonely pastime, at most a slightly sad and warm appreciation - just like stamp collecting, taking out the past collection to look at it, whether it brings out happiness or pain, it benefits from the passage of time, and then still collects them, not letting them cause trouble and disrupt the smooth flow of a river, including not letting the past make today pale.
- Shi Tiesheng
Today is Friday, but due to the school's sports meet, we got unexpected rest time. I woke up around ten in the morning, had breakfast and lunch together, and then focused on studying.
Close to dusk, I hurriedly had dinner at the cafeteria, and then went to Starbucks again. I was looking for a quiet learning environment actually also with the thought of finding the Bluetooth keyboard I left there yesterday. After some effort, I successfully completed multiple lab reports:
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Fluorescent lamp power factor optimization - Electric and Electronics
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Observation of solidification state - Engineering Materials
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Metallographic sample preparation and microscopy - Engineering Materials
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Heat treatment process of steel - Engineering Materials
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Observation of equilibrium structure of iron-carbon alloy - Engineering Materials
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Plastic deformation and recrystallization of metals - Engineering Materials
After finishing, it happened to be the closing time of Starbucks, so I grabbed my bag and headed back to school.
On the way back, I passed by many small stalls, and each vendor selling starch sausages displayed inspection reports of the ingredients, reminding me of the scene after March 15th. That day, I witnessed the dispute between property and merchants, a single word from the media, a speck of dust in society, may be a heavy mountain for an individual. I opened the cigarette case and found only a few left, tiredly lit one, took a deep breath, but exhaled an unpleasant smoke.
Although I always appear calm and relaxed, seemingly carefree, I have to admit that this semester has indeed been agonizing for me. Last semester, there was still her company (even if only for half a semester), the academic pressure was manageable, occasional outings, a little drink, and I was familiar with bars like Space, DNA, and PH. At that time, my financial situation was still stable (actually delayed the crisis with the help of friends).
However, this semester is different, with no one by my side, a sudden increase in academic pressure, and financial problems finally emerging, making every month a struggle. For the past few weeks, I haven't touched alcohol, and I originally planned to go to KTV to sing alone and relieve stress, but gave up because of the high price for night sessions.
Back in the dormitory, it suddenly poured rain outside the window. My roommate informed me that he was caught by the dormitory management station for violating the rules by using an electric cooker, resulting in losing the qualification for honors and awards. Although I don't care about scholarships and evaluations, hearing this news still made me feel disappointed.
Just as I picked up the pen to record memories of the National Day, especially the time spent with her, I was deeply immersed in it. Looking at the chat records on the phone screen, a day's worth of frustration burst out in an instant, and tears flowed uncontrollably.
She has blocked me for half a year, but I keep lingering in sadness, seemingly getting out but falling back in - in fact, I have never truly emerged from the haze. My condemnation and hatred towards her does not mean that I have let go. I have been trapped in the vortex she created, unable to free myself. For the past six months, I have not actively sought a way out, just passively allowing myself to sink...
I miss her, but this should not be my whole life.
I am well aware that she is the one who is wrong, and I have never done anything wrong.
She left casually, leaving me struggling in the mud alone.
I must find a way to free myself from this predicament.
I believe time will heal everything, but I also need to actively respond.
I look forward to the day when I can look back on the past with a calm smile.
Will everything be okay?
This article is synchronized and updated to xLog by Mix Space.
The original link is https://nishikori.tech/notes/21